untitled thoughts 2

Here's my second entry. I'm making an effort to stay within the analysis of what I'm going through so to get a concrete idea as to how I am to manage my problems.

Right now, for instance, I feel incredibly lonely. I feel that after a whole day of work or being busy, I just stay alone and have no one to share what I go through with. I have friends, and I am grateful for having them, but I don't feel I connect with them that much.

I have a problem: I get distracted from the things I want to do or have to do. I am not happy about it, and I haven't admitted that I do it, but it's there. This is one of the things I feel uncomfortable sharing with anyone because it's so awkward. I feel like an irresponsible kid and I'm about to be 30 years old. The dilemma here has to do with me not feeling comfortable to talk this over with any of my friends/family because I get the impression that what I'm going to get is nagging criticism that will deter me from what I really want: to solve my distraction issue. I just want to do the things that occur to me, and have that as something to feel proud of. That's it.

That said, I feel that the best thing I can do is use this blog as a means to sort out what I want to do. If I have to have one distraction let it be this one, since with it I can at least improve my typing and writing skills. I have illustration, writing, home, and health projects in mind. The reason I don't get to work on them is because I give in to my habits. I know habits are not always fun, they are just a means of wasting time.

How will things go? Will I ever achieve the things I have in mind? I don't really know. I'm going to go for it, see the whole thing through (each of my "things"). I can't hope for anything specific, just to get things done. I can't set deadlines, or maybe I should. I know typing it all helps at least and at the same time hope that it doesn't end up being something I write down and never see happen, just because I didn't see it through.

I have to stop being pessimistic and giving up. I am not getting any younger, and not doing anything, i. e. putting my plans in a closet and my dreams in a trunk doesn't help me feel better about myself. Maybe talking about them wouldn't be bad. Why should I take it upon myself to think that my friends are going to put me down just because I haven't shared something with them? Isn't that a bit pretentious of myself? Taking decisions for them?

It is. I will stop formulating dialogues about how they might put me down. I realize I'm the one with the problem here, not them.

untitled thoughts 1

I'm trying something new tonight: it has to do with venting but I don't really want to classify it as such because I want to analyze what I feel. These posts are related to things that occur to me, either positive or negative. I want to dissect each idea to know the best way to sort things through. So, here is the first one:

Every one of us has moments, good or bad. If we are akin to someone then we want to share whatever happened to us with that person, either in experience or through words. There's no exception to this rule, it's just our nature. In fact, I tried to think of one but couldn't come up with a sane example.

Bad moments are the worse secret to keep: the negativity eats you up inside. You need to do something or tell someone what's going through you. When you can't do something then you really need to let it out. But is the person who you trust able to manage whatever bomb you throw at them? Do you know them that well? Do you think that maybe this can wait?

If you ask for empathy you should first be empathetic, at least that's what I try to do. I am living a situation that I rather not disturb anyone's great mood with my thoughts. I wait, and ponder: do I really want to share any of this with this person? Isn't it better just to solve things and then later comment on this, if at all necessary, and think of it as just something that went awry? I'm going with introspection and diligence for this one. I'm not getting anything but pity and a pat on the back if I start telling people how I feel, so might as well skip that for the after party.

I have to be honest: that would be just an excuse to make contact and not an effort to solve a problem.

Revisiting reblogging

It's about 1 AM right now and I should know better than being up this late when I have to get up to go to work and be a responsible adult, etc. Regardless, I felt the need to type in some words here and there since it's been a while and I've gone through some things that made me look back at the blog and realize why I started it.

Life has always been a journey to me. Even if I don't physically move, there's something inside that's dynamic. Each post is a landmark. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know where or how I will stop and it's not important. There's a good variety of things to do and see. People to meet or observe. Hence the title of my blog.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be raised differently or to live in a different country or environment. I often blame myself for the choices I make, which is not totally wrong since I'm never in a gunpoint type situation. However, I know decisions could have always been better and hindsight, as much as I hate it often prevents me from stumbling on the same rock (or boulder).

Blogging is not an escape for me. As much as I vent on here I have learned that dilemmas are to be treated personally and approached objectively. As difficult or boring as it may be to take this approach I believe that we can't take a path down a road with our emotions or personal interests guiding the helm, rather with a more general approach and fully aware (or as aware as the situation shall allow) of the consequences of said path.

Blogging is a means for me to record what I do. At one point it did become a means of venting but I have noticed this passed year that you don't need to vent out anything and just tackle the issue. My approach, because of what I do, is to be subtle and it will state the obvious without being condescending.

Here's to more post, with shorter times in between and to honoring our personal wishes, as long as they're not to place anyone in harm.

Later!

Lines of Time (revisited)

I wanted to discuss the subject of my last post again. The last few days I've been having problems with stress relief, and I also have noticed that I'm not enjoying where I am at that much. Everything is pretty much predictable, and the lack of sleep I've suffered from last week doesn't help me judge clearly and make decisions as I would prefer to. It doesn't seem like it, but there's a commonplace with the fore mentioned and my last post.

The last post had to do with me recognizing how I felt bad about not doodling/drawing, and also dealing with the fact that there are things I have to leave out of my life since I feel that I should start adjusting things in it, naturally, to avoid having some awkward stage where I try to relive my youth.

So now I feel that I worry way too much. That same worry about me not doing something I don't approve keeps me from living experiences that I will/have regret/ted, and in turn will make me want to do them if I get to a desperate point. As if I didn't know any better (and now I might be way too hard on myself). Judging things from my point of view is not a good call, and I realized what the main reason that keeps me from doing the things I want to do: distractions.

I tend to have these ideas about any subject in particular, but I don't follow through (2009 posts for example) and wind up with a self-deprecating attitude about lack of discipline. Which is justified, since I should focus on something if I truly crave it. So the Lines of Time post wasn't really complete; I don't establish any boundaries to what I can do, I just go with it until I'm happy with the results. I know that people have their opinions, but it's really nothing that I can do with right now, and rather do without. My issue has to do with me starting something I want to do, that initial push. I can't ask anyone to help me in this (I think), but knowing what is my obstacle will help me defeat or conquer it.

Lines of time

On my last post I commented on doodling something, since I felt like doing entries on the blog I thought to myself I should doodle for fun... I didn't, and I don't know how to feel about it: on the one hand I didn't do it because I had something else to do; on the other I know I would like to sit down for a couple of hours every two days or so and follow-up on some things I thought of.

Am I losing the love for it that I had earlier? I have been struggling with the fact that I feel that as I get older things that are really accessible to me, I perceive as though will not. Certain things not to do, places not to go, attitudes not to have, or clothes not to wear. Everything perfectly age appropriate for someone in their 30's. I think it is justifiable, since I know people really don't comment nor care about it, but I'm starting to think that I should let myself grow into this age appropriate lifestyle I want to follow, otherwise I will lose it's authenticity and will wind up backing out.

For now, I have to put my feet on the ground and accept the things I do as part of me. Doodling at my age can be followed with more ambitious paths I think, and hope. I know that, as my mother tells me, we are the ones that set our limits.

Limits that I rather not think about for now.

It's so late right now, but I don't care... :)

I'm turning 29 next month, that anxiety comes and goes like strobe lights. I miss photography, my blog, drawing, projects, and some other stuff.


I decided to come back at 2 AM on a Saturday to post some thoughts, and after my other post I don't know what else to write about so I might just go to bed and tomorrow I should go back to doodling some wild character based on myself (for the n-th time).



It just feels better to post something random here and go on.

I'm still here... I'm still thinking

A few walks at night reminded me how long it's been since I started typing in this empty field. I know it sounds rather emotional, to put it modestly. I missed this, so I got a little romantic on my first sentence. I get romantic/melancholic from time to time, I keep it to myself however.

Right now I'm still the same person, working on my personality and trying more and more to do it for me. I guess that's the main factor with being human now a days: doing the best for yourself. I have done some things since my last post that have reassured me that ideas I've written here have been right, and left the self-deprecation for some moments and realized that I've done good. I don't love the things I've done. I'm not at all very happy with some of my habits and reactions, but as someone has told me, I recognize my faults, some others rather not even comment on them.

A few walks at night have made me realize a lot of things. I am grateful for the things in my life, but I know I can get more than what I have.

Humans can't be near the sun

I know I'm not made of stone. I tend to hold grudges, and don't know how to express my anger with words. I take things personal. Those are (some of) my faults. I don't like to have them, so I work on minimizing them. I try being as objective as possible, forgiving, putting my thoughts to words and thinking about the purpose of some comments. I know when I do something wrong, because of this feeling I get inside of me, that's like someone tugging my sleeve telling me to go back and undo everything at that very moment. I didn't get that feeling recently.

Everything had been seen before: behavior pattern, responses, and results. It was like watching a group of dominoes lined up, one before the other; you know what will happen if you push the first, so it falls on the second, and so on and so forth. I understood what I saw as a typical response that I denied from existing. I knew that whatever I said would lead to this. Off I went to set my dominoes, one after the other.... All 18 of them, lined up. Let's see what happens when someone pushes one...

... Dominoes down...

I realized that putting all my chips on the table, setting them neatly, making amusing shapes, and sequences did not help. The end result was that all of them went down. 18 or 2, whatever number, it didn't matter.

Metaphors aside, I realized that talking clearly, establishing limits, and all other things are sometimes disregarded and might also be insulting. Also that, my faults and the fact that I work on them to disappear make me human. Some people can't stand having faults, it takes from their shine; makes them dull. That's why I decided that I can't be near them, they are too much, and I'm only human.

Release

I don't go out of my way to make others feel bad about themselves, to me that's sick. The reason why I'm starting this post with this has to do with what I went through today. I know people do this to me, and I am aware of how much of a paranoid it makes me look like; it is what it is.

I can't escape social interaction, and would not go that route at all, but sometimes when I feel as attacked as I have the last couple of weeks I try to isolate myself as much as I can. I can fully concentrate on my duties, things I want to learn, etc. That brings me some peace, it's something I can control.

The realization that you can't ethically control what others think of you has come to me. I know only how to manage my reactions, or at least I'm learning to.

Which brings me to this question: if someone doesn't do something I'd like for them to do, should I react the same way I always do? Should I let them be? Or should I react the way some folks have? Should I throw tantrums? Should I "get even"? Should I make believe a land where all the sorrows of this world are bestowed upon me by the people who don't give me what I want?

Answer to the above: No. Yes. No, and never. I'm a bit too old for tantrums. Getting even sounds nice but it's seriously not worth it. I'm not a passive aggressive "victim".

So I have this blog to let my negative emotions out. Today I let my emotions get the best of me. Whatever message I wanted to convey was not worded the best way possible. At the same time I caused reactions I wasn't expecting, but I learned about how one can be manipulated when angry. I just hope all of this has a reason for happenning.